What to say (and what not to say) to someone who lost a pet

This post is not for the grieving person. It is for the friend who knows someone whose pet just died and is typing out three different messages on their phone and deleting each one because nothing sounds right.

The good news is that you probably do not need to find the perfect thing to say. The research on what helps the bereaved is surprisingly consistent, and what they remember decades later is not clever words. It is who showed up.

But because specific wording matters more than nothing, here is a small guide.

The research in one sentence

From studies on bereavement support (Lehman, Ellard, and Wortman's classic 1986 work, replicated many times since), the single most consistent finding is: people who are grieving remember who said their loved one's name and who was willing to sit with them in the sadness, and they dislike people who tried to fix or reframe the pain.

Translated into practical advice:

• Name the pet. ("I'm so sorry about Kamui.")
• Let the grief be sad, without trying to reframe it. ("This must hurt so much.")
• Show up, even in small ways. ("Thinking of you today.")
• Don't try to explain, compare, or speed it up. Avoid the common pitfalls below.

What to say

Some specific sentences, usable in a text message today:

"I just heard about [pet name]. I'm so sorry. I don't know the right words but I want you to know I'm thinking of you."

"There's nothing to say back. I just wanted you to know I remember [pet name] and I loved seeing you two together."

"If you want to talk, I'm here. If you don't, I'm still here. No pressure either way."

"I know this is so hard. I'm not going to try to make it better. I just wanted to check in."

A month later:

"I was thinking about [pet name] today. I hope you're being gentle with yourself."

Six months later:

"Tomorrow is six months since you lost [pet name]. I just wanted you to know I remember."

The magic of these lines is not their eloquence. It is that they use the pet's name and they do not try to fix anything.

What not to say

These are the phrases that repeatedly show up in grief research as the ones bereaved people remember with a wince. Every one of them is almost always said with love. They still land badly.

"At least..."

"At least they had a good long life." "At least they're not in pain anymore." "At least you have other pets."

Any sentence that starts with "at least" is trying to take grief away from the person feeling it. Grief researchers sometimes call this diminishment. It teaches the bereaved that their grief is too big, or wrong, for the situation.

"Are you going to get another one?"

This question, usually asked within weeks, makes the bereaved feel that their pet was a role rather than a being. The answer is almost always "maybe, but not yet, and please don't ask me now."

"Think of it as..."

"Think of it as them finally getting to rest." "Think of it as a teacher for you." "Think of it as..."

Any attempt to reframe the death into something that means something philosophical or useful is usually experienced as dismissive, even when it is sincere. A grieving person does not need meaning yet. They need witness.

"It was just a pet."

Do not say this. Obviously. But also do not say anything near it:

• "It's not like losing a person."
• "You can always get another."
• "They had a good run."
• "It'll pass quickly."

All of these minimise, and minimisation is the single most corrosive thing you can do to someone's grief.

"Let me know if you need anything."

This sounds supportive but grief researchers have found that it tends to put the emotional labour on the grieving person. Instead of offering open-ended help, offer specific help: "I'm going to drop off dinner tomorrow, is there a dietary thing I should know?" or "Can I come sit with you on Saturday?" or "I'm going to take the kids for a few hours so you can have some space."

What to do, beyond words

• Remember anniversaries. One year later. The birthday. Adoption day. A text on those days matters more than a funeral card in week one.
• Keep mentioning the pet casually. "I still think of [name] whenever I see a dog that looks like that." It reminds the grieving person that their pet is still in the world through memory.
• Don't make them host you. If you want to visit, bring food. Do the dishes. Walk their other pet. Pick up the groceries. Be useful without being asked.
• Don't disappear after two weeks. Grief research consistently shows that social support tapers off at exactly the point that grief starts to deepen (weeks three through twelve). Staying present in that window is what truly close friends do.

If you are the grieving person reading this

You probably don't need this post. You already know what hurts and what helps. But if you want a gentle thing to send to a friend who is trying — this post, or an older article, or just "please say [pet name] to me sometimes" — it is okay to ask for the support you need. Your friends almost always want to help. They just don't know the script.

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My Pet Memoria is a private app for pet grief. If someone you know lost a pet, a candle lit for them on the app — with a short message — is one of the most meaningful things you can send.